you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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