This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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