note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
