How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He did a backflip because drugs
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
