is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
