Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
