her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
