he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
