OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
