you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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