i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
