chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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