I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
