How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize