My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Randomize
