sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
worst night to have a conscience
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
