Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
