Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
