I wanna passion pit in your ass
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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