grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
