we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
