Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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