I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
