Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
