well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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