isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
