I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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