All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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