Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize