so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
