Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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