I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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