i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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