Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
