How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
