Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize