I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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