Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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