he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She bit a glass in half.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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