I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
