I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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