I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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