she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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