i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
