Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
