I can tuck mytits in my pants
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
