when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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