PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
