4 words: hood of his car
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
