If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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