DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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