Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
