And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize