I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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