when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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