he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
