I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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