It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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