I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
