I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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