yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
