the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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